Yesterday morning I was joking around with my son J.  We were both smiling and laughing and I said, “You have the most gorgeous brown eyes.  At least your mom and dad gave you really good looks!”  He immediately stopped and snapped, “I don’t have a dad!”  His eyes filled with tears and he turned away from me.  It took a lot of cuddling and apologizing to get him back.

I’m dating a man right now who I think is really incredible, and although I know it’s early, I can’t help feeling really hopeful about being with him.  We clicked right away and we’ve been pretty open about our excitement.  I’m trying to be zen about it, but I do love hearing from him and spending time with him (and kissing his stubbly cheek and holding his hand).  I wonder if I’m messing things up by not playing hard to get, but I’ve never been good at that; my feelings are just what they are.  If I’ve ever seemed hard to get it’s because I wasn’t interested. 

It’s almost harder to be hopeful about being with someone – wait, I take that back – it is zillions of times easier to walk away. I’ve let down so many men that I stopped having any bad feelings about it years ago.  And I have walked away from one or two things that could be serious because of doubts.  So it’s much harder to be hopeful about being with someone, as wonderful as it is.  Especially now that I’ve been reminded that, ultimately, that hope includes J and his feelings as well. 

It’s like being on a New England mountain on a gorgeous fall day like today –  with the sun shining and warming me, feeling beautiful and loved and peaceful – and then looking down and realizing that I’m on a tightrope and all 80 pounds of J is strapped to my back.   If I even think about it for a second I’ll be scared out of my mind.  The trick is not to look down.  It’s too beautiful and my hopes too warm and bright.  So for a while I’m just going to keep looking up, and stand still, and breathe – and enjoy it.

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