I am not feeling as serene and sweet as Mary Darling today.  I am feeling confused and inarticulate.  Which, of course, makes for good blogging, right?

My therapist says if I want a boyfriend, I need to date, or at least LEAVE MY HOUSE.  What a damned fool notion.  Doesn’t she know it’ll happen by MAGIC? 

I was thinking about using Mary Kay as an excuse to leave my house (period – not that it’ll help with the guy thing), but I’m not sure anymore.  I’d like to put makeup on women and tell them how beautiful they are (and make money doing it), and the marketing is sounds energizing, but I can’t make a decision.  I know I’m pretty well set financially from my day job, but I don’t really like my day job anymore.  It has no purpose, no direction.  My boss never pays any attention to me…and the fact that I talk to him about once a week and see him once every quarter doesn’t help.  I know I need to get my extroverted ass in gear and find something better suited to me.  It’s just hard to say I don’t like a job where I can come and go as I please.  Really, though?  If I could make my salary working at a bookstore, I’d be happy as anything.

I’m trying to lose weight again.  Hahahaha…  It’s really terrible how little commitment I have to this.  I loved my body a lot when I was thin, but not so much the worry about how many calories were in a butterscotch.  I’m not sure I can go there again.  I don’t know why it feels like it must be all or nothing.

My enthusiasm for everything seems to ebb and flow practically by the hour.  One minute I want to go clubbing, the next I want to go to bed early.  Mostly I want to snuggle under my covers and read.  My determination is like a broken oven: running too hot, then dropping too low, and ending up with nothing edible in the end (work with me here).

Last weekend my son saw his biological mom for the first time in nearly four years, and it went well.  This weekend, I let him meet his half-brother.  I know it seemed like a lot at once, and it’s hard to justify that it wasn’t, but I swear my best judgement was that it was okay.  He’s doing alright so far.  He liked his half-brother. 

I know that’s why my brain is malfunctioning.  I just feel so unplugged to it all emotionally.  I need a jumpstart.  Remember that episode of the Sopranos when Tony is depressed and someone tries to off him and he feels a total invigoration for life afterward?  I need that, but without the attempted murder thing.